


Hello From the Outside

by chemicalburnfromthespiralperm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Always Keep Fighting, Depression, M/M, Post-Supernatural (TV), Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-09 23:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5559215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm/pseuds/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after Supernatural ends and there's so much left to say --</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bad Mood Rising

**Author's Note:**

> Several years after the end of Supernatural and Jared and Jensen are estranged. Out of the blue, Jensen thinks it's finally time to right his wrongs, but Jared has other plans. He never meant to fall in love with Genevieve...

"Hello?  It's me."

Fuck.

A lot of things have to align to bring about a perfect moment -- and who knows, that moment might not be perfect for you or anyone else, but to you it's a miracle.  To you, those are the memories that last forever.  Jensen thinks about all of his perfect memories, the last eighteen years, maybe, and wonders when they'll start feeling like happy memories instead of knives to his heart.

He wonders when he'll be able to watch the show and not see their love unfold onscreen in front of him, and he wonders when he'll be able to look at his Emmys and not think of them like shame trophies.  He wonders if anything will ever feel real again.

"I, uh...  y'know, it's been a while.  A-a long time.  I was wondering if after all these years you'd maybe wanna meet up?  Can I take you to dinner?"

There's too much silence on the other line, other than Jared's breathing and it's crazy how Jensen can already feel his heartbeat syncing up to Jared's, even after so long, even after everything that happened.  It's dead silent on the other line, and Jensen takes a moment to check the screen and see if they're still connected.

"No."

Jared's voice shakes.  Jensen didn't think hearing that word would be such a knife through his heart, but his stomach falls out of his asshole, plummets fifty feet below him and he gasps like all the air was punched out of his chest.  He expected a lot of things, but never a no.  He expected Jared to scream and yell, to curse, but never to just simply say no.  Things were rough in the end, too hard to deal with and now one of them's divorced, but Jensen still never expected Jared to just say no.

"I'm...  are you serious?"

"Am I?  Am I _serious_?  Jensen, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.  Am I serious?  It's been almost six years and somewhere, out of no where, you got the damn nerve to call me up and ask me out to dinner?  Like I'm not still married?  Like I don't have a wife and two kids?  You've gotta be fucking insane.  Did losing Danneel really fuck you up that much?"

Wow.  That hurt.

"I deserve that."

"No, no you don't, Jensen!"  Jared's voice betrays him.  He's crying, and Jensen wishes for nothing more than to be the salve, but he's not worthy.  "But I'm gonna say it anyway.  After this long I didn't think I cared anymore.  How dare you.  How dare you call me up like you didn't break my fucking heart and make me relive that all over again!  I was happy, Jensen!  I was forgetting about you!  You should have just stayed gone!"

Jensen sits in silence for several minutes after Jared hangs up the phone.  There was no loud crash as Jared ended the call, no slamming of his iPhone onto a table.  Just a click.  A silent end to everything they'd ever been.  He wonders if Jared meant it -- you should have just stayed gone.  Jensen knows he's done a lot of fucked up shit in his life, and he knows that losing Jared was the biggest mistake he'd ever make.  There isn't any coming back from that.  How do you go from being in someone's back pocket for twelve years -- falling in love with them and doing everything you can to make it work...  to just losing them completely?

"He-hello?"

Silence.  It wasn't the last thing he expected to hear, so he lowered the phone, a thousand scenarios in his head -- HER, probably coming up next to him, asking him what's wrong, chiding him and cajoling him into that false sense of security that ruined them in the first place.

What a fucked up story -- to fall in love with your PR scapegoat.

Everything turned out wrong.  They had a plan, a fucking perfect plan and no one would be hurt and everyone would be okay but they fucked up -- Jensen fucked up.

"Daddy?"

Jensen nearly drops his phone at the sound of JJ's voice.  She's a godsend, because once he looks up at her she wastes no time running to him to jump into his arms.

"I love you.  Are you okay?"

"Well, hey there, beautiful.  No, I'm not, but you can definitely help."

She hugs her father and says nothing more.  Maybe she knows there's no way she could understand what's wrong.  Jensen wonders if she even remembers Uncle Jared, Tom and Shep...

"It'll be okay, daddy."

"I hope so, baby girl."

_I must have called a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything I've done..._


	2. Lithium

_**December 2015** _

He can't breathe.

These panic attacks had been getting worse, far less sporadic and more intense.  Bouts of not being able to breathe, of vision going white, chest constricting.  He feels like he's dying every time but he never does, even though he prays for death like a sweet release...  but he's got too much to fight for.  Two boys, a wife, a career, a torrid love affair...

Always keep fighting, right?

There was only one person to ever see the galaxies in his eyes, whose touch made universes bloom across his skin.  The memory of it makes him moan aloud, knees drawn tight to his chest as he tries to come out of this attack, but it's going to last forever.  He'll never be okay.  He'll never see the light of day and his depression is going to win.  Of all the people it's going to claim with its ugly claws, it will be him.  Jared Padalecki, father of two, beloved husband...

Monster.

His breaths get more shallow, quicker by the second and he's starting to see white on the periphery, gray-glossy edges as he starts to drift.  He can't do this anymore.  How much longer can he hide these things from his family?  How much longer can he keep disappearing without his wife finding him or, God forbid, his children?   He can't keep doing this to them, can't keep them on edge like this wondering when daddy's next breakdown is going to be.  From where Jared's sitting, tears streaming down his face as he bites down on his lip to keep from shouting, it could be any second.  A breakdown due any moment, tearing him apart from the inside out, eating his insides and drowning him in his own blood.

How does he stop caring?  Or, better yet, how does he start caring as LITTLE about Jensen as Jensen does about him?  What a bad habit to have developed – to love him so completely while Jensen, over and over, failed to see the universe he created within himself.

How does he kill that part of himself without actually killing _himself_?

How does he help himself get better?  He'll always be such a fuckin' sweetheart, going around in circles, going endlessly out of his way to demonstrate how deeply he cares while Jensen remains frozen in time, Elsa in a dress of selfishness.  How wonderful it would be to remain so pure of heart as to never notice how unimportant he was...

Unfortunately, he has seen the error of his ways.

It's sudden, when he snaps out of it.  Suddenly a fog is lifted and Jared coughs too hard, straining his throat as he grips one of the wine racks in his cellar and tries to stand.  It's pointless, legs are jello but he's got to try because he's not going to die down here.  He won't do it, not when there's so much at stake.  Not when everything could change right here in this second.

"Fuck."

The word hurts coming out, but he's got to try and get through this.  Gen asked him to go get the wine for dinner.  Two reds and a white because Danneel hates red.  Jensen will be here.  With his wife and daughter.  How is he supposed to look these people in the eye and act like nothing is wrong?

The wine rack isn't working, so he pushes himself up with his hands and that's when he notices he dropped the wine bottles.  Somehow, they shattered, red liquid spilling everywhere alongside Jared's blood.  He cut himself on the glass.  It's an echo of Sam's wound from season seven.  He's almost shocked it took him this long to notice the blood everywhere, all over his shirt and his jeans.  Well, fuck.  He hears the cellar door slam open (it's not her fault, it's a heavy door) and one foot on the stairs, but she ventures no further.

"Jared?  Baby, are you okay?"

What does he say?

"Uh, no.  Don't panic, but I cut myself.  Dropped one of the bottles.  There's a lot of blood but I'm fine, so please don't panic."  Please don't because I'll lose my fuckin' mind and I can't have three panic attacks today, I can't.  "Can you come help me?"

Genevieve rushes down the stairs and her eyes grow wide when she meets the sight, but she says nothing.  Her gentle hands are sweet against his skin as she reaches up and turns his face toward her.  She wipes the tears away from his cheeks but doesn't ask why he was crying, turns his hand over in her hand but doesn't shy away from the blood, she just smiles at him like she knows all of his secrets but still loves him anyway.

Why did God have to be such a monster and send him such a perfect angel?

"Danneel just called anyhow -- said she and Jen would be late.  Apparently JJ fell in the mud and she had to change her clothes.  We'll get you changed, too, bubba.   I'll clean this up later."

Jared just closes his eyes and another wretched tear betrays him, sliding silently down his cheek.

"You okay, bubba?"

"I just love you so much.  You know that, right?  You know that.  You gotta know that."

She looks a little surprised at his declaration, but she gives him a soft smile.  She already knew.

"Go on now.  I'll be right up."  She pulls him down for a kiss and for the first time in a long time this kiss doesn't feel like a lie.  "Go upstairs.  I'll get you patched up."

He manages to grab the bottles of wine despite her protests, and he gets upstairs in one piece.  He still feels foggy, like he always does when he has these attacks.  At first, he thought they were heart attacks, but no one can have this many and survive, right?  His therapist said they were panic attacks, wanted to prescribe him medicine but that's not right, not natural, and those kinds of things make him dizzy.  He can't be like that around his children, won't be.  So he does his best to journal, meditate, work out, run...  All those fuckin' doctors tell you to eat right and take care of yourself and your depression will be beat, congratulations!  Jared's built like a horse, so how to you explain his case?

He hears the door bell ring and Gen is as cordial as ever inviting them inside.  His boys are, no doubt, galloping across the house to greet JJ with too many hugs and kisses.  He'll be damned if she doesn't end up marrying one of them.  It'll probably be Tom.

Gen's upstairs, just like she promised, and helps him bandage and wrap his hand.  Luckily it's his left, the one he doesn't use, and she softly offers him a glass of wine.  He nods silently, and he knows she suspects something's wrong, but she doesn't say anything.  She's too damn good to him and he doesn't deserve it, the disgusting, cheating fuck...

Jensen's eyes are far too bright and happy when he sees Jared, but that's all washed away the second he sees Jared's hand.  Immediately he's switched into that doting lover mode that Jared usually loves so much, but for some reason, Jared's irritated.

"Jared, what the hell happened?!  Are you okay?"  He reaches for Jared's hand and Jared breaks his heart by slipping out of the grip and as far away from him as possible.  He watches the heartbreak flicker across Jensen's face with vindication.

"I'm fine.  Danneel, it's great to see you."  Little JJ stands at his feet with a small grin, that private one that she always gives him whens she's waiting eagerly for his attention and he gives it to her immediately, grinning back at her and scooping her up into a hug.

"Jared dropped the wine bottles downstairs and cut himself, I guess.  But he's all wrapped up and healed!"

"Oh, no!"  Danneel gasps softly.  "That can't be nice, but it's great to see you too, Jared!  Someone else missed you, too!"

Jensen's face is red.  His blood is probably boiling.

"She always misses me -- I'm her favorite."

Gen's a good host because she ushers them into the dining room in seconds flat and has all the children at their table with their food in no time.  With them occupied, the adults get their drinks and get settled at the table while Gen serves them.  Jensen does nothing but stare longingly at Jared the entire time -- and it's enough to make him sick.  How can their wives not know?  How can they be so unaware of their husbands only having married them to cover up their secret, gay love affair?

They all look at him as he takes a gulp of his wine.  They know it, don't they?  He smells like dick.

He hasn't seen Jensen in a week and they can fucking tell.

"Gen, did you ever get that Givenchy perfume you were talking about?"

"Oh, my gosh!  Yes, how could I have forgotten!  You need to come smell it!  We'll be right back, boys!"

Suddenly the two women have left the room and Jared's a participant in the most awkward silence ever experienced by two men.

"So, you gonna tell me why you're being a dick?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because I'm cheating on my wife?"

"Say it a little louder, Jared -- then all of our toddlers who are experts at repeating everything we say will repeat it to their mommies!  That'll fuckin' ruin everything, which you seem super content to do."

He rolls his eyes and takes another drink.

"Last week you cried when I told you I'd see you soon.  Why are you being such a bitch now?"  Jared's eyes widen behind his wine glass and Jensen is backpedaling so fast he can smell the burning rubber.  "You're not acting like yourself is all I meant.  You missed me.  Texted me every single day.  Why are you acting like this now?  I know it's not ideal, but at least I get to see you?"

"I'm cheating on my fuckin' wife, Jensen."

"You're not the only one."

"Oh my god."

"I'm serious!  Do you think you're the only one ruining someone's life?  Did you ask for this?  Because I certainly didn't.  Hell, if I knew I was only marrying Danneel to keep myself away from you, I never would have done it, but then I wouldn't have JJ and I'd do it over a million times for her.  I don't regret the steps we've taken to get here, Jared, but I am gonna regret if I ever let you slip out of my hands, you know that?"

Jared remains silent, jaw set with that effortless puppy dog look on his face.  He knows it gets Jensen every time, but he feels his anxiety rise.  They shouldn't be having this conversation at his wife's dinner table.

"Shut the fuck up, Jensen."

It's the fastest glass of wine Jared's ever drank in his life.


	3. Pillowtalk

Jared's mind is an ugly flesh prison -- an endless room with black walls that could be black paint or blood, but he might never know. He wonders, achingly, if he'll ever escape or if he's doomed to this place forever. He can feel a body next to him as he tosses and turns, but he can't seem to get out of here. Nothing pulls him from this reverie. Not even the idea of Jensen at the end of the long and winding tunnel pulls him from this, until there is a hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake and firmly repeating his name.

He comes back to life with a gasp and a heart attack, clutching at the hand on his naked chest and almost thrashing until he does realize that it's Jensen. There is too much worry etched into the deep lines around his eyes. He almost looks like Dean.

"Jared? Jared, baby. Are you okay? You were having a nightmare. Again."

And Jensen doesn't say "again" like he's irritated, like "oh, you're having this again... how inconvenient for me," but he says it like, "um, okay, I'm super worried about you and this is scaring me."

Jensen's never even seen the inside of the prison -- that would scare him.

"I'm fine," Jared hears himself say. He feels his hand reaching up to grab at Jensen's hand, but for some reason he feels far away, like he's watching himself do these things. Is it possible to have panic attacks in your sleep?

"Jare, this is the third one tonight alone. Are you okay? What aren't you telling me?"

What isn't he telling anyone is a better question, but Jared doesn't correct him. Maybe it's the weight of crippling anxiety, or maybe the stress of having an extramarital affair, or the fact that he has two children with his wife and he's sleeping around with his best friend. He did marry her so he could keep sleeping with his best friend and no one would suspect anything.

But then he actually fell in love with her.

Maybe there's a longer story but now they've been sitting in silence for far too long, and Jensen's looking at him like he might fall to pieces any second if Jared doesn't say something.

"I'm just... stressed. That's all. It's a lot of stress."

"Are you taking your medicine?"

Jared has half a mind to shove him away and tell him to fuck off, but he knows that's one of the ways Jensen tells Jared that he loves him. That's all it is. Jared's not crazy and he's not psycho, but he does have medicine that keeps him calm and in control, and Jensen's just making sure he's taking it.

"I think I forgot my anxiety medication today."

"Okay." Jensen gives him a smile and he nods. "Are you allowed to take it now, or do you have to wait and take it tomorrow?"

Jared doesn't know. He can't recall anything more than his name, to be honest. There's too much noise from the blood careening through his veins, pulsing in his arteries. It feels like Jensen's shouting and he hates the way his body comes down from panic attacks. He forgets everything but the things he's grown up knowing -- that his name is Jared Padalecki and he's never liked peas and he also hates being stared at. Jensen is staring but there's been another long silence because he's waiting for Jared to speak.

"I'm..." And there's that patent Jensen look again. He's so worried and he can practically feel Jensen's own anxiety as his own. "Let's go back to sleep. Please?"

Jensen doesn't quite look like he wants to but he shrugs. Jared's practically begging him to drop it and forget about it and never talk about it again. He catches a glimpse of the clock on the wall and see's that it's almost 4 in the morning. They have to wake up at 5 to shoot.

"I love you."

Jensen doesn't seem convinced, but leans up to kiss Jared on his cheek.

"I love you."

Jared lies back down but he doesn't really end up falling asleep.

-

"Hey, what was last night about?"

Jared is mid laugh when Jensen bursts his bubble. How dare he invade his false happiness to pull him back to reality.

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

Jensen sighs and tosses Dean's flannel onto the bench in Jared's trailer. He doesn't sit, but he leans against the wall and looks almost too at home there. Jared feels almost warm.

Almost.

"What do you mean?" And immediately he knows that Jensen knows he's talking shit. There's nothing about Jared that alludes to him being a good liar. "I just had a bad night. I forgot my pills. Sometimes I forget."

Jensen nods. He doesn't respond right away, just purses his lips for a moment and pulls Jared's phone out of his pocket. His fingerprint unlocks it immediately, and in that moment Jared curses them being best friends and curses Siri -- treacherous bitch -- for allowing Jensen's finger the honor of unlocking his phone. Or maybe he should curse himself for letting Jensen do it.

"Medisafe. I'm your medipartner. I was sitting next to you when you invited me to the app. You didn't even ask Gen. I know you take your pills on time and regularly because this app tells me you do. So please, explain to me what is going on. I don't want to be 'Jensen your best friend' right now, Jared." He's using his Dean voice and Jared feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "I want to be 'Jensen who fuckin' cares about me more than Sam does Dean.' I want to be that Jensen. So please, tell me what the fuck is going on." He stops himself and sets Jared's phone down with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to curse at you. I'm just really fuckin' scared."

Jared looks up at him and for some ungodly reason he can't remember why it is that he isn't telling Jensen absolutely everything about his entire life, like when he was three he stole Jeff's favorite legos and he's never told anyone about it. Jeff was devastated and no one could ever find them and Jared never fessed up. Or about how he hates it when Gen wears yellow but it doesn't matter what he thinks, right? As long as she's happy?

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry? Please stop looking at me like I'm screaming at you. I'm not mad, I'm just terrified."

"Why?"

"Why? Are you -- Jared, I love you. I am in love with you. I want to-" but Jensen stops himself. "Just, please talk to me."

Jared sighs, heavily. He doesn't often wish he were dead, but there are times when he really, really wishes he wasn't alive.

"I don't know. I just... I don't know."

"But you do know, Jared. There is something you aren't telling me, and on top of me being worried about your health, I'm worried about us."

Do you ever really know when you're about to change your whole life? Like, are you ever acutely aware of absolutely every single nuance about your entire life and in a certain moment, you could change everything if you were just honest?

Like, he could tell Jensen that he's sorta been in love with Genevieve for the last few years, and about how his panic attacks are crippling, and how he hasn't wished he were dead for a very long time but recently he's been wishing for it more and more. He could be completely honest. He could tell him everything.

"I'm just concerned about a lot of things. This is season 12, Jensen. What now? I'm concerned that my medication isn't work as well as I'd like it to and I'm not looking forward to new medication or what that's going to do it me. If I'm distant, it's because I am. If I'm anxious, it's because I am."

Jensen sighs - which Jared notices that he seems to be doing a lot of - and scrubs a hand over his face. He doesn't say anything, but he does move into Jared's space and he kisses him. Jared tries very hard to find something in his lips.

"I love you, Jay."

"You, too."


End file.
